Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
