I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
