I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Help. Why am I so naked?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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