If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
