it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
