our cab driver is having phone sex.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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