1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
