The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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