Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
