You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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