he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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