A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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