You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
