dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
