so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
