Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
