I'm laying in your front yard are you home
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
