Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
