If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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