When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
