Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
