i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
