Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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