Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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