I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I love how my cats smell like pot.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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