Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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