sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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