I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Houston, we have a blender
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
