Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
