and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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