I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
