I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
