I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
