Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
