I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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