My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
