First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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