It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
