i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
