I'm gonna have a badass scar
Can Purell be used as lube?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
