I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
