As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
