Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
