I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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