we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
