people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I wear drunk well.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
