the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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