I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
