I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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