Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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