i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the day after is always just damage control
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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