life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just tell him i said nine months
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
