shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
