I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
