he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
